A Badfic In Name Alone
by Sleep-Not
Summary: A fic written by my friend Impending Doom. 006/007 slash. When someone actually gets down and writes a good badfic. Read, gentle viewer, and be amazed (and amused).
1. Default Chapter

A Badfic by Impending Doom

Sleep-Not: This fic was written by a dear friend of mine whom, for discretion's sake and because I think it's funny, I will call Impending Doom (Sleep-Not checks shiftily over her shoulder to see if there are any spies listening)… but she's otherwise known as…(whispers confidingly): *Michelle*.

And she's going to kill me for this. 

Aaanyhow, moving right along. This is the very best parody/ badfic I will ever read. Unless she writes another, that is. It's staying on my account until that time as Impending Doom sees fit to open one herself and post a *serious* fanfiction. Sigh. 

Disclaimer: Impending Doom doesn't own shit. Um. Actually what I meant is she's going to kill me for posting this, so obviously she wasn't planning (and won't) on making any money from this little enterprise of DOOM. And please, please, forgive *all* the puns. 

For proof of her insanity, please see the Author's Note at the *end* of the fic. It's there for a reason…

It had been a normal day at the office – at least, as normal as any day in the elite double 0 section of MI6 could be. A dictator toppled, a top-secret weapons facility broken into, then onto the plane for a quick lunch and a trip to Russia to steal some classified KGB documents. Then, finally, home to M, who had sniped about the time it took for missions to be completed, the fact that the dictator toppled that morning had actually been the wrong one, the fact that Bond never read reports, and never handed them in either for that matter, that in the last report he **had** handed in he had mistakenly included a long and rather explicit letter from an adoring female acquaintance, that he slept with girls he met on missions too frequently and with Moneypenny not frequently enough.

By the time Bond left the building it was late, and he looked forward to a quick, solitary dinner followed by some much-needed rest. The cab dropped him outside his front door, and he tripped gaily up the stairs and opened the door.

What it was that struck him, he didn't know. Bond had always had a sixth sense where danger was concerned – a tightening of the stomach, a prickling on the back of his neck warned him that all was not well. Eyes sweeping the hallway came suddenly to a stop by the bedroom door – it had been shut that morning, but now stood ominously open.

Swift, silent, catlike, Bond moved across the darkened hallway, and paused for a split second at the door. Then with terrifying speed and accuracy he slammed his shoulder into the door, sending it crashing into the wall behind. Just in time, a figure leapt from behind the door and hit the floor, body twisting away in a feline motion. In a second Bond was on top of the figure, grasping for its arms – only to have the figure spin out of his reach. For a moment, the two men grappled, each struggling to control the other, and Bond could hear the other man panting, feel the sudden roughness of a cheek grazing his own. Then it was over, and Bond had the intruder pinned to the wall, wrists held above his head in Bond's large, strong hands.

The room was dark, but the thin strips of light trickling in around the edges of the curtains could now give Bond an idea of his opponent. Moonlight outlined high, sharp cheekbones, firm biceps, soft wisps of hair moving gently with the man's heavy breathing. Eyes glinted unblinkingly as, despite himself, Bond brought one hand down to gently brush the hair from the face, drinking in his attacker's scent as he did so. Lips parted and a tongue flicked nervously from the corner of the intruder's mouth, and Bond could feel the nitric oxide deep within his body, preparing it for what he knew was to come (oh please, forgive the pun).

"Hello James," the intruder said.

"Alexander," growled Bond, "I should have known."

Roughly, he seized the man's arm, spinning him onto the bed, landing on top of him – but Alec was prepared, and already his hands were running over James' body, desperately stripping off the clothes while his mouth reached out for Bond's.

In only seconds, they were both naked, running their hands over each other as if their very lives depended on it, tumbling over and over in the bed. Then Alec reached out a trembling hand to Bond's lips, and smiled mischievously, before lowering his torso onto Bond's. Slowly he slid his body down, lower and lower, pausing occasionally to nibble at a nipple or at the edge of an ancient scar, smiling wickedly to himself as he felt below him the reaction he had hoped for and saw Bond's eyes close in anticipation.

Finally, he reached his destination, waiting until Bond opened his eyes before lowering his mouth onto the Tower of Ecthelion that stood proudly before him, watching his lover's reaction as he moved his lips slowly back and forth.

Finally, Bond could bear it no longer, and with a roar spun Alec over, stopping to nibble an ear before lowering himself onto him, hearing Alec gasp, feeling moist flesh yield beneath him as he began to move rhythmically. At last, he felt Alec shudder beneath him, and let go, groaning as he poured forth his lust.

Afterwards, their energies spent, they lay together between the satin sheets, arms entwined, ebony and gold hair tangled together.

At last, Alec opened his eyes, and turned to where Bond lay beside him.

"Oh James" he sighed, "There's something I have to tell you. Something I should have told you before but I...didn't know how to say it.

"I'm pregnant, James – with your child!"

Bond stiffened in the bed, then abruptly sat up and turned away, swinging long slender limbs over the side of the bed. Alec sat up as well, tentatively reaching out to caress Bond's shoulder.

"I'm sorry James – I know I should have told you before! But I was afraid, afraid that you weren't ready; afraid…"Alec's voice dropped to a whisper "…afraid that you wouldn't want me any more."

Bond swung suddenly around, and Alec could see tears in his normally cold azure eyes. "Oh Alec, my love! How could I ever not want you? You're the light of my life, the fire of my loins, my sin, my soul! You are my haven of peace, my temple to worship at, you mean everything to me!"

Alec lay back, feeling tears welling in his own green orbs. "Darling, I never knew…that you loved me so much! Oh, how happy I am that I'm carrying your child!"

They lay silently in each others' arms for a while, content to savour the moment. Then Bond frowned.

"But Alec - I don't understand. How could you be pregnant? You…you're a man!"

"Oh, that's alright," said Alec, grinning. "Babies don't need wombs to grow in! They can grow just fine in plot holes…"

_Apologies to Ian Fleming, Vladimir Nabokov and JRR Tolkien. Warnings for explicit sex scenes, nudity, unsafe sex, slash, serious OOC, MPreg, and overall bad writing. You wanted a warning at the **beginning** of the story? Why, what would be the fun in that?_

_So, was that bad? Was that enough to put you off Bond fics for life? Was it? Huh? Huh? Was it? Ah MWOUAH hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!_


	2. Revenge

_Okay, warning at the front this time. No slash. No sex. No nudity. Mature themes, quite possibly_. _Rating NA_.

There was no warning.

The doors slammed opened and a flood of first year undergraduates crashed down on him. Bond struggled to hold his ground and waited. Amongst the bodies pressing past him, he suddenly felt a hand reach out and grab his arm, and the next moment a small wrapped object was pressed into his hand. He spun around, and caught a glimpse of a tall, brown-haired girl slip away into the crowd.

He had got what he'd come for. Casually, Bond walked off, retracing his steps through the campus, pausing occasionally to make way for the odd procession of geese. He walked on, down the winding road, until he reached a large stretch of wasteland, unremarkable save for the small helicopter standing in the middle of it. 

The door to the passenger side opened, and Bond climbed smoothly into the seat, as the pilot turned to greet him. 

An evil smile was plastered across Alec's face. "Did she give you the package?" 

In reply, Bond tore off the wrapping and held up the small vial, enclosed in a clear plastic container, inside. Several labels had been hastily torn off the sides, but half of one still remained, yellow and bearing a familiar three-sided figure: Biohazard.

They waited until the sun had gone down before leaving.

Alec flicked a switch, and the propellers began turning. A moment later, the helicopter took off, leaving no trace of its presence save a patch of flattened grass and a handful of perplexed locals peering out of their windows.

The helicopter swung away, gliding smoothly towards its destination. Bond peered at the map, then pointed. "Target at 10 o'clock." Alec swung the helicopter round, following Bond's directions until they reached the building they had been looking for. 

A few students below peered up in curiosity and disbelief, but the darkness, the unusual silence of the helicopter and the students' advanced state of inebriation would later make them unsure of exactly what they had seen.

The helicopter finally stopped, hovering some twenty metres away from one of the windows. This was the target, the place they had been looking for. 

Working swiftly and accurately, Bond started to put together the contents of the long oblong box that had been lying underneath his seat. Gradually, the object took shape: a curious cross between a rifle and a catapult. Bond carefully lifted the vial he had been given from its container, and screwed in into place. "Careful not to break that, James," said Alec with a grin.

At last, fully prepared, Bond pressed the button that would wind down his window and leaned out; getting a feel for the distance, making sure that the wind blowing outside would not interfere with his aim. The target's window was open; an unexpected bonus. He could see the target, thoroughly absorbed in the display of a small laptop, her fingers clicking rapidly over the keyboard. Then he turned back to his companion.

Alec's eyes glinted in the gloom. "You know," said Bond, "it does seem a pity…after all, she still has some pieces of writing to finish – that Highlander thing for instance…"

Alec's mouth hardened into a callous smile. "You know she'll never finish them anyway." He took a deep breath, and the familiar look of excitement came into his eyes, the look that mission always seemed to give him. "Ready, 007?"

Bond smiled. "Ready when you are, 006."

Carefully, he lifted the rifle to his eyes, adjusting the sights. 

Alec watched him, lips parted in anticipation. "For England, James?"

Still holding the rifle, Bond smiled. "No, Alec. For me. For **us**."

Gently, he squeezed the trigger, and felt the rifle recoil.

The tiny missile shot through the darkness and through the open window, landing in the room, the impact smashing the top of the glass vial and releasing its deadly contents into the room.

At the desk, the target jerked upright – then relaxed. A bottle broken in the corridor outside, or something similar, no doubt. She turned back to her work.

Outside, the helicopter drifted off. The men inside glowed with satisfaction at a job well done. There remained now only the small matter of hacking into a certain fanfiction archive and deleting a mere page or so of contents – nothing that could not be achieved in a few minutes.

Slowly, the contents of the vial, airborne, spread through the room.

The target began to cough.

A hundred miles away, a girl woke suddenly. Her eyes roamed sleepily towards her bedside clock, and she squinted in the darkness, trying to make out the time. When she did, she smiled a smile of absolute evil, and pure satisfaction. The package had been delivered. 

She had her revenge.     

Sleep-Not: And this is mine. This is Impending Doom's reaction to my posting of the badfic. I think it's amusing. Oh ho ho ho.


End file.
